Brady,

I really liked the dialogue you included. It flowed really naturally and felt like a real conversation. The dynamic between the grouchy giant and the hyper-active/curious human was a really interesting one to me. The lore of the world that you build in just a few short pages was really in depth and made sense. There could be an opportunity to show us more of Helgan’s outlook on the world rather than telling us. I felt like the image of Helgan’s axe was really strong and was a good metaphor for an old soldier who is beaten down by his past. I think I was a little lost in the end and felt like I got mixed up about whether Eyre was a god in disguise or if she just was genuinely interested in him joining the caravan for innocent reasons; Was there an explicit reason Helgan thinks the gods are dead, and would it be fathomable for them to have survived? I think you could explore more of Heglan’s distaste towards gods and his memories of being forged. These themes were really intriguing and I wanted more of them! Overall really great work on this story, it was a fun read!

Kassidy,

This character was so sketchy from the very beginning and got even worse as the story went on. This character was the epitome of an unreliable narrator, which made this story a really interesting read. It was clever to have a character that dislikes the way his father acts but is exactly like him. It reminds me of that old adage, “When you get older, you turn into your parents.” The overarching themes of your parents’ relationship influencing your relationships was well placed and didn’t feel heavy handed. I was so relieved by the ending; It was so sad seeing a woman in a relationship that was terrible for her constantly sacrificing her interests and life for him. As for a suggestion, I really wanted to see a redeeming quality to the main character. I found myself just hating him by the very end, which could’ve been intended, but it might be more interesting to have a character who is fighting to have a different outcome than his parents. He might be a much more likable character if he is trying to get better or fight his habits but keeps slipping into his old patterns. Also, was there a past relationship of his where there was a lot of distrust? Does he have a reason other than his upbringing for being so concerned about his girlfriend being alone with another guy? This story was really interesting and I think there’s a lot to build on to make it even better! Great work!